The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
