if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
