I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
