I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
