Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
