bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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