I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
