This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I want her autograph on my taint
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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