so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
