that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
