If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Randomize
