I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
