ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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