is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
