I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
