I faked an abortion last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
