For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
