On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
