i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
