She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
