i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
