Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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