At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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