I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
