So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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