nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
