based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
