you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
