I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
