I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
