haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
