Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
