I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
