Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
