does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
