Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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