HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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