Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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