You can't motorboat a personality
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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