Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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