I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
