I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
