just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
