I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
