my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
