I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
