I'm so fucking centered right now
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
