Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
