Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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