i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
