I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
